I'm in Love With a Lunatic
by GemNika
Summary: CoLu Week Compilation. Cobra and Lucy are two peas in a very messed up pod, but they find that it works for them. Even if she's in the process of slowly scarring him for life with her weirdness. (Rated M for safety). Chapter 1: CoLu Week 2015 entry "Insultasaurus Rex"
1. 2015 - Insultasaurus Rex

**A/N: I decided to consolidate some of my CoLu Week stories from the past few years into their own separate stories for the readers who like to read them without searching through everything. Because several of the 2015 stories were continued in 2016 (and some will be continued with 2017's CoLu Week), it makes more sense to have them separate, especially since I know a good number of you like re-reading them. There are currently three other CoLu Week stories (universes? whatever) from 2015/2016 that have been pulled down for editing before i post them in their own story thing. Like this.**

 **I have gone through this and edited it. Because when I first wrote this, it was only a few months after I'd started writing. Hopefully you enjoy the changes that were made. They're not major, but just revision things that I see now that should have been handled before.**

 **There is a continuation of this story for 2017. It'll be on Day 6 of CoLu Week 2017.**

 **I hope you enjoy the humor.**

 **This prompt in particular is actually a line-by-line collaboration with** _ **LittlePrincessNana**_ **. She was channeling Cobra very well that night in 2015 on Skype, so you can all thank her for his lines.**

* * *

 _ **2015 - Rumors**_

 _ **Insultasaurus Rex**_

* * *

Just another day in Fairy Tail? This one was most definitely _not_ one of those days. It had started out hectic enough, with everyone crawling in at all hours of the morning in need of hangover remedies—lest they become grouchy and start _intentionally_ destroying things—and quickly descended into the standard Fairy madness.

Until Crime Sorciere showed up.

It went from normal for them to 'holy-shit-let's-go-crazy'… And that was definitely saying something. It wasn't long after they arrived though, with Mira employing her siblings' extra limbs to help her and Kinana deliver the trays upon trays of food, that things took an even weirder turn.

"Cobra, why do you always look like someone shit in your Cheerios?" Lucy asked after smiling at Mira in thanks for her daily post-brunch, pre-lunch smoothie.

The table holding all of Crime Sorciere and Team Natsu went completely silent. Cobra slowly turned his gaze toward the grinning blonde. "I don't eat Cheerios," he said before looking away from her again with a sneer.

"What's the matter?" Lucy crooned. "Do we need to get you another snake so you can send it off to find peep-holes in the ladies room?"

Kinana blanched as she set Cobra's plate down, staring at the Poison Slayer in horror and hoping that wasn't something she had done in the past.

Cobra cursed under his breath and turned back to Lucy. "And why the fuck didn't I think of that shit?"

"Wh-What?" Kinana whispered.

"So, Kina..." Cobra chuckled as he looked at the purple-haired barmaid. "About that whole snake business... Do you miss it?"

Kinana blinked once, twice, then shook her head and ran as far away as possible to keep herself from getting caught up in her friend's craziness. She loved him like a brother, especially since she'd been able to regain a good portion of her memories from when she was a snake, but Cobra was still a total oddball that would probably find a way to make it happen just to get her to do that. All for a few laughs… she hoped.

"Damn… Lucy's mouth is worse than Gajeel's," Warren whispered.

"Fuck you!" came the growled reply from a dark corner of the guild.

"Lucy's a real man!" Elfman bellowed from just behind the blonde, laughing heartily when she jumped and let out a high pitched 'eep!'.

"Fuck you Chicken Breathed Jelly Roll!"

Louder and louder shouts started echoing around the guild, and Cobra sent a smirk to the blonde Celestial mage. "Actually, I'm pretty sure you _are_ a real man, if you catch my drift."

Lucy's eyes narrowed when he very obviously stared at her chest. "No shit, Sherlock. Explains why my cock's bigger than yours... Oh, wait… You don't fucking have one, overused Glory Hole."

Erza paused with her forkful of cake halfway to her open mouth.

Cobra stayed completely still, even though there was a very obvious tightening in his pants. This… was going to be so much fucking fun. One surefire way to catch his interest was to have some seriously good comebacks lined up, along with a nearly constant stream of insults running through your head. Something—he hadn't realized until that moment—that Lucy was almost always doing.

"Didn't you know?" Lucy leaned her elbows on the table, pausing to take a sip of her smoothie. "Chicks with dicks are _all_ the rage."

"I highly doubt that."

"You're a nutcase if you don't believe me."

Cobra shrugged. "You just bring out the best in my nuts."

"Really? Walnuts, almonds, cashews? Wait... Are we talking about culinary nuts or botanical nuts? Because that _does_ make a difference here..."

"Case in point," he chuckled. That was interesting. Why hadn't he seen this side of her sooner? That her mind worked the way it did? Oh, his interest was most definitely piqued. "You're all the nuts the creator decided to throw into this oversized Planters Can."

"So culinary nuts then." She grinned around her straw. "Are we including drupe seeds? Because almonds are in a Planters Can, but they're not really nuts."

"How about I just shove my nuts in your mouth, and we call it even?"

"You do that and I'll bite those fuckers off so fast even your magic won't have a chance to give you a warning, Borax Breath," Lucy said with a sweet smile on her face that had the Mira grinning with pride while walking into the kitchen.

"Not if I rip your mother fucking teeth out with a pair of rusty pliers first, courtesy of the Metal Fucktard over there and yours truly."

"Who said I needed teeth to bite them off? It only takes 3 pounds of pressure to rip off an ear, and not much more to remove your testicles from your body." Lucy's smile widened into a devious grin and she leaned just a little closer to him from across the table. "Teeth or not, you'll be singing soprano in no time flat."

"I seriously doubt that, Sahara Snatch. You're probably soaking fucking wet just thinking about someone actually giving that shitty ass mouth of yours some action. Don't even get me started on the damn spider webs collecting further south."

"The condition of my panties aside…" She wasn't wearing any, so there was really no way to comment on their dryness. She watched as Cobra raised an eyebrow at her. "There are no arachnids in my snatch. And on a side note: it's not nearly humid enough for Gajeel's iron to rust fast enough for you to rip my teeth out with rusty pliers. Plus it's _entirely_ impractical. They could lock up before you even get one tooth out, just pissing you off in the process."

"For someone so god damn smart you forget who you're talking to. Poison, sugar tits, has a pretty nasty effect on metal when you know what the fuck you're doing." A wicked grin pulled at his lips. "And I know _exactly_ what the fuck I'm doing. As for the arachnids, give them time to return. They left in search of fucking water."

Lucy slowly shook her head while her jaw dropped open. "You're fucking retarded, you know that? Like genuinely, mentally handicapped..."

"Says the orphaned poster child for all blonde jokes..."

"Wannabe pirate."

"Cosplaying whore."

"Limp-wristed cum bucket."

"Herpa-gona-syphi-lip."

"Pole-smoking chattel."

"Donkey fucking necroslut."

"Cocksucking shitshark!"

"Maggot infested cum stain."

"Zeref's personal colon wiper."

"Fire-Assed Twatbird."

"Spunk-dipped candle!"

"Mouldering reel of shitstring."

The rest of Crime Sorciere watched the two, their jaws hanging open when they realized just how long it had been since this started, and wondering why Cobra hadn't already shut Lucy up like he would have done with anyone else after the first comment.

"You're just jealous because you're a trout-faced glory hole experiment gone horribly fucking wrong," Lucy shot back.

"Why would I be jealous of a failed fuckwallop?"

"Because all you'll ever amount to is being a hard-rubbing bum faggot. Go ahead and open that other eye up, it'll get you more business when you've got another hole for your clients to fuck."

"At least I've got a hole they want to fuck, you cottage cheese regurgitating penis leech," Cobra leaned his elbows on the table, taking another bite of the sandwich Kinana had dropped off.

"Don't lie, Cobra. There's not a single part of you that anyonewants to fuck," Lucy replied. She finished off her smoothie, and chuckled darkly as she added, "Pretty sure I'd rather castrate myself after masturbating with a cactus than even considera world where you'd get laid."

"That's assuming that you'd find a cactus willing to crawl up inside of that cesspool of vomit you call a cunt."

"I'll have you know, my cunt is the model of perfection. Any cactus would be fucking honoredto tear my shit to shreds."

"According to whose standards there, Crapples? The last I heard, even the dead fucking shrivel up when your clothes come off."

The two mages trading insults failed to notice that the guild brawl had come to a halt. The entire guild had gone silent, watching their sweet Celestial mage shooting insults out rapidfire with a dangerous glint in her eye.

Mira's eyes sparkled with happiness over her new favorite ship. She had never considered Lucy and Cobra being an item, but the babies… Oh Mavis… They would be absolutely precious.

"Not that I blame them between the rotten fish stench oozing from between those thunder machines you call thighs and the misshapen asspumpkin you call a rear end."

Erza's cake fell from her fork unnoticed while she continued staring at Lucy and Cobra.

Lucy stood to her feet, then leaned over the table until her face was less than a foot from his. She silently summoned Gemini, and smirked when the twin spirits appeared right behind him.

Gemini grinned and quickly tapped Cobra on the shoulder. As they took his form, Gemi-Cobra said, "Cobra of Crime Sorciere. Birth name Erik. Born and raised in the Tower of Heaven. Thoroughly enjoys torturing others, and listening to their pain. Thoughts on Lucy Heartfilia: intelligent, feisty, beautiful, soul sounds like a majestic, soothing ocean in the dead of night."

Cobra's jaw dropped and his eye went wide. He slowly turned in his seat to gape at the bastard spirit that Lucy had summoned, watching as the copy of himself disappeared only to be replaced with a copy of Lucy in a towel. _'Holy shit, now that's what I'm talking about…'_

He'd hated Gemini's ability when Angel held their key, because she used to constantly have them take everyone else's form just to get their deepest secrets aired out in front of the others. Now that Lucy had the nosy little shits, he didn't seem to mind nearly as much if he was going to get a view of her in only a towel. One, he might add, that honestly seemed more like a washcloth than anything else.

"Lucy Heartfilia of Fairy Tail," Gemi-Lucy said with a sweet smile. "Thoroughly enjoys thinking of ways to torture people, then writes about it in her novel. Thoughts on Cobra: sexy, funny, enjoys his darker side, and often has dreams about being romantically involved with him."

A strangled noise left Lucy as her jaw fell to the floor. Those mischievous little spirits were supposedto be on her side. A deep flush crossed her cheeks when Gemi and Mini reappeared with a giggle, then poofed themselves back to the Spirit World. _'Oh, fucking kill me now…'_

Cobra sat in complete shock as he stared at the newly vacated space. His mind reeled not only from having his own dirty laundry aired out in front of the guild, but more importantly his thoughts on Lucy.

Her soul really didsound like an ocean, and he found himself thinking on more than one occasion—nearly a daily basis, in fact—that he'd give up any and everything to be swallowed up by the tumultuous waves that were so uniquely her.

But that was meant only for him, not public knowledge.

Now even the demon-souled woman—who was hellbent on everyone she knew that could _possibly_ have interacted with each other only a handful of times having thirty babies—would be all over him like white on rice... and he hated rice. After years of being in prison with rice as the main course for his allotted two meals a day, those little grains just made him sick to his stomach now that he was free, even in metaphor.

Pushing past his own mortification, he relied on the usual 'deflect and pray' method to hopefully come out of this alive. A cocky grin pulled at a corner of his mouth as he turned back to the blushing blonde. "So, you think my romantic ass is sexy, huh?"

Lucy blinked slowly, feeling a rush of heat flooding her cheeks when Cobra came even closer to her. While a part of her wanted nothing more than to close that last bit of distance with a solid punch to his good eye in the pursuit of wiping that grin right off his smug and deliciously tanned face, Lucy decided it was high time she stopped beating around the bush.

By some miracle, the multitude of hints she'd carefully crafted over the last few months to show Cobra that she wanted him to bend her over the back of her couch and fuck her senseless, had completely bypassed his Soul Listening magic—a feat that was catalogued in her mind for later poking and prodding—and with her conniving little spirits' help, she finally had a damn good reason to throw caution to the wind.

Her breath hitched when she saw his nostrils flare slightly. She already knew he'd been able to smell the beginnings of her arousal, and she slowly leaned forward until their noses were a mere hairsbreadth apart. "Just your ass in general," she whispered, hardly noticing the slight tremor to her voice. "But I'd rather discuss what you should be doing with _my_ ass."

Everyone watched one of the most heated and sexually charged staring contests they had ever witnessed take place between the two. The air in the guild thickened by the second. Finally, Jellal awkwardly cleared his throat. "Uh... What even started all of that to begin with?"

Gray was the next one to break free from the stupor he'd been left in. "Oh," he chuckled, "Happy told Lucy that Cobra said she was fat."

Cobra and Lucy jolted as the voices of their guild mates filtered back in, both pulling away from each other hastily and gulping while they tried to avoid any more attention.

Lucy scowled once she was back in her seat. Gray's reminder of what she'd been told by the little blue Exceed finally clicked into place. She was an idiot for believing the damn cat to begin with, since it was obvious that Cobra would have said that to her face just to see if she would cry.

Happy, on the other hand, called Lucy fat every chance he got.

"Happy." Lucy said slowly, turning her furious brown eyes toward the suddenly nervous Exceed.

"Yes?"

"Would you come here please?"

Happy quickly activated his wings and flew up into the rafters. "No way! You're gonna eat me!"

"Get back here, you mangy furball!" Lucy shouted. She jumped to her feet, watching as he settled himself on the lowest rafter to gloat, then she hopped onto the table. "Don't make me come up there!"

"Wow, Lucy's wearing pants?" Gray whispered. That was definitely different. He paused and chuckled when she pulled out her whip and wound it around a rafter, then started climbing up to get to Happy. Then again, maybe it was for the best that she wasn't in a skirt right then.

"Natsu, save me! She's gonna pour gravy on me and gobble me up!"

Cobra raised an eyebrow as he watched Lucy run across the rafter, then dive into the air to catch the annoying little feline with absolutely no regard for her safety. She soared through the air, out towards the middle of the guild, and he snorted when she successfully tackled Happy to the ground with one hand wrapping around his little throat. When Lucy began shouting that she wasn't fat, shaking Happy with an oh-so-alluring sneer curling her lip, he couldn't hold it back any longer.

Erza jumped when Cobra started cackling. She finally closed her mouth and looked down at the bite of cake that had vacated her fork to take up residence in her lap, then shrugged and quickly ate it.

"Why are you laughing?" Jellal asked as he glanced over at Cobra.

"That's funny as hell, is why!"

Lucy grinned when Happy started begging her to stop. His whimpered half-hearted apologies did absolutely nothing to douse her fury. It was high time he cut that shit out, and she was going to traumatize the little guy until he got it through his thick skull.

A shiver ran down everyone's spines at Team Natsu's table when Cobra's laughter went silent. His eye danced with wonder as it stayed glued to Lucy, a wide and malicious grin on his face.

"Payback time, Happy," she chuckled.

"Wh-What are you gonna do to me?" he whimpered. "I didn't mean it. I'm sorry, Lushy. You're not _that_ fat!" The grin on her face turned decidedly more sinister, causing Happy's blood to run cold. "Natsu, help! She's gonna kill me!"

Lucy lifted one hand to her mouth while she picked Happy up by the scruff of his neck. There was one huge plus to having Natsu as a partner, and that was going to come in handy. She called on the inner slob that he'd had awoken in her with their partnership, and started collecting more phlegm than should be humanly possible in her mouth, then spit on her free hand.

Happy screamed in terror as she smeared the thick fluid all over his face and stomach. It was even worse when she started rubbing it into his fur. He could feel the mucus matting it, twisting and knotting his previously clean azure fur into little spitty knots. "That's disgusting!"

"Shut up and take it, cat!" Lucy bellowed, spitting in her hand again and rubbing it into his wings.

"Oh god, why are you doing this?!"

All across the Fairy Tail guild, their faces were masks of horror. Even Mirajane's. Lucy had very clearly gone off the deep end, and it seemed poor Happy was her first victim. They only hoped she wouldn't turn on them next.

More phlegm. More sobbing from Happy while she started working on his tail. It was utterly disgusting just how much mucus Lucy was producing, but everyone present decided that if anyone was going to be her next victim, it should be the guy that taught her to spit like that in the first place.

"Say you're sorry!" Lucy collected more and more phlegm, gargling it to loosen the thick substance from her throat, then spit directly on Happy's face. She used her unoccupied hand to make sure it got up his nose for good measure.

Cobra's eye glimmered with happiness. He couldn't help but find Happy's current predicament fucking hilarious, and the level of depravity Lucy had reached in a matter of minutes was disturbingly sexy. He knew he wasn't right in the head before this, but if he'd had any doubts, the way his body was reacting to the laughter bubbling up from her throat was more than enough to put those to rest. She was ten kinds of crazy, based on this little phlegm-fest alone. And he was more than willing to admit, he _really_ fucking liked how crazy looked on her.

"I-I'm sorry!"

"Like you mean it!" Lucy turned Happy around and lifted his little green knapsack, then spit on his back and started roughly massaging it into his fur.

"I'm sorry!" Happy sobbed, "I won't ever call you fat again!"

Lucy stopped as she was bringing her hand to her mouth. She slowly turned him to face her, raising an eyebrow at the fat tears rolling down his little kitty face. "Swear," she hissed.

"I swear," Happy cried. "I won't call you fat anymore…"

"The next time it happens, I won't be rubbing my _spit_ on you, Happy," Lucy sneered.

"What are—" Happy paused, his eyes widening and a look of sheer horror crossing his face when he realized just what Lucy would do to him. "Aye, sir," he whimpered.

A sweet smile plastered itself on Lucy's face as she tenderly patted the top of his little blue head. "Okay, Happy," she giggled. "Go get yourself cleaned up, and go fishing with Natsu. That should make you feel better."

Everyone watched as Happy sped off toward the bathroom, his small blur of a body dripping what appeared to be buckets of saliva in a trail on the floor behind him. They slowly turned back to look at Lucy just as Cobra started laughing again, falling on the ground with tears pouring down his face.

Lucy sighed and made her way over to the bar. Mira handed her a bowl of soapy water, and Lucy thanked her while washing her hands.

"Fucking shit, that was amazing!" Cobra laughed. "Oh my god… You… Finally, someone… I fucking can't even!"

Lucy smirked while she dried her hands, then turned and started making her way through the guild to the doors. Her eyes locked onto Cobra's as she thought.

" _No worries, Cobra. That's the last time you'll ever see me spit_."

Cobra choked when he got a very clear picture of Lucy's face in his lap coming from the blonde. He stared at Lucy's back while she walked out of the guild, watching her hips swaying and fully appreciating all those delicious curves that were being hugged so tightly by her jeans and halter top. A devious smirk found its way onto his face as he jumped to his feet, waving off Jellal's questions about just where the hell he thought he was going as he made his way to the doors. Once outside, it didn't take long to find Lucy walking away from the large building, and he chuckled while running to catch up with her.

Lucy giggled when a pair of arms wrapped around her waist, and a set of very sharp, pointed teeth grazed over her neck. "I see you got my message," she whispered.

"Mm-hmm," Cobra hummed. "Kinda hard to miss it."

Lucy grinned and ripped herself from Cobra's grasp, then whirled in place and grabbed his belt while she started backing up into a nearby alley. "Well, c'mon Cobra," she rasped, licking her lips while her eyes raked over him. "Don't keep me waiting…"

Cobra chuckled when he couldn't hear a single soul anywhere near them, and slowly followed the hot little Fairy into the alley while thinking, _'Yeah, she's definitely my kinda crazy.'_


	2. 2016 - I Can't Even

**A/N: And here's the entry from CoLu Week 2016 for you all. This chapter is dedicated to my Triplets,** _ **LittlePrincessNana**_ **and** _ **Leoslady4ever**_ **. Without them, it wouldn't have been possible.**

 **It's been edited a fair bit, but the majority of the content is still the same as the original.**

 **I'll return with an update for this story on Day 6 (Invitation) of CoLu Week 2017. Please be aware that there will be an update in the CoLu Week 2017 story as well, but that page will only be filler to let you know that this has been updated.**

* * *

 _ **2016 - Online**_

 _ **I Can't Even...**_

* * *

Cobra let out a contented sigh as he spotted the familiar navy blue door with its little, gold-plated 2B just beneath the peephole. If he never had to work with Gajeel and Midnight again, it would be a godsend. The two, separately, he could handle. Even while spending time in the bar, they were a blast to be around as a group. But put two Dragon Slayers and the Reflector mage in a team to take out a dark guild…

There wasn't even a point to the job, with the amount of damage that had been done.

And the majority of it was after they'd finished. He didn't even know how the foundation of the whole town started to collapse. All he knew was that there was no reward money.

Still, he was home. And that was what mattered the most.

He could use his new key to enter the one place he wanted to spend all of his time, and curl up with his blonde fiancée because she was stuck home on maternity leave. Well, a self-imposed maternity leave. Lucy had a habit of getting far too injured on missions, so they had agreed she wouldn't take any until after the baby was born. In another seven months.

Neither of them were willing to risk anything happening to their baby. Even though everyone said they were being overprotective already, he'd told them all to go fuck themselves, especially after Lucy had started crying because no one seemed to understand that she was trying to be a responsible parent. Half of the men in Fairy Tail had been poisoned that day, while the women ran to her side to assure her that she would be an amazing mom, and it was really endearing to see Cobra taking it so seriously that he would bear the brunt of making money for their family. He didn't tell Lucy that a few of the women still didn't understand what she was so worried about, because she had stopped crying. That's what he cared about.

Pulling his key ring out, Cobra unlocked the door and made his way inside, smiling when he saw her sitting on the couch in what he already knew were her 'comfy clothes' consisting of loose sweatpants, one of his thermal shirts with the sleeves rolled up, and fuzzy rainbow-colored socks. She wasn't writing at her desk like he would have expected, but had instead set up her laptop to sit on the coffee table. Her cheeks were flushed, her eyes wide yet intense, headphones plugged in, and the pencil in her free hand flew across the pages of her notebook while she wrote down whatever it was that he already knew had inspired another story.

Sometimes, he was more than thankful that Lucy had learned how to shut out his Soul Listening magic. The shit she wrote about, on occasion, he really didn't need to hear.

Placing his bag on the floor and kicking his shoes off, Cobra made his way into the apartment and took a seat next to her. She didn't look at him, and didn't seem to realize that he was even there.

Movement in the corner of his eye caught his attention, and he turned to look at the computer screen only to draw back in horror.

The last thing he'd been expecting was hentai. That, he could even get behind sometimes. There was some really amazing artwork out there, and Cobra was all for showing an artist some appreciation for what they produced. But _this_ shit?

 _The woman's mouth opened on a scream, her eyes widening as her astronaut suit was ripped from her body to bare her overly large breasts. She was pulled through a gelatinous mass that disintegrated the rest of her suit, leaving only her helmet intact._

Lucy paused in her writing to stare at the screen, dropping her pencil in the process.

 _She tried to scramble away, fighting desperately as long, spindling, green tendrils reached toward her flailing limbs. Spread to her limit, the woman was lifted into the air, screaming again as an oozing, green alien appeared before her with bright yellow eyes and rows of elongated fangs. The tendrils bound her in place as several shot forward to glide over her exposed sex and constrict around her breasts, teasing her distended nipples._

"What the fuck?" Cobra whispered in horror. He shuddered as Lucy mindlessly picked up the pencil again and started writing, her eyes never leaving the screen.

He'd heard her asking Gajeel for some sites to check out as inspiration for her stories, but when the Iron Slayer had told her about this particular porn site, Cobra had thought nothing of it. There were just some things you needed to see from an outsider's perspective to be able to write about, regardless of the amount of times they did the same positions and scenarios she wanted to use in her writing.

 _Her eyes rolled back as thick tentacles filled her mouth and core, smaller tendrils spiralling together to tease her ass._

"Jesus fucking Christ! What the shit are you watching?!" Cobra shouted.

Lucy screamed in terror as a hand was placed on her arm. She smacked his hand away, flailing wildly while she lost her balance and toppled to the floor. The headphones were wrenched from her ears as her foot caught the cord, ripping it from the computer.

 _Slosh. Slosh. Squish._

" _No. No! Please stop! What's this monster doing to me? Why is this happening? I'm going to break!"_

 _Slosh. Squish. Squelch._

Cobra stared in horror at the furiously blushing blonde on the ground. Their eyes locked.

 _Slosh._

" _I'm breaking! My… mind is going… blank…"_

Neither mage moved a muscle.

The door to the apartment opened, revealing Gajeel and Midnight as they chuckled and made their way inside.

" _No! Don't cum in me! I'll get pregnant! I don't want to have an alien's baby!"_

 _Squish-squish-squish._

" _No! I'm cumming! I'm cumming!"_

Midnight looked at the screen as a thin trail of blood dripped down from his nose.

 _Her stomach was distended as several overly large tentacles writhed around within her. Thick white puffs of fluid dripped down her thighs. The tips of three tentacles pushed out of her mouth, wriggling wildly and forcing the glass faceplate of her helmet to shatter outward as her body bowed backward._

"Fuckin' shit, Bunny," Gajeel snickered.

Lucy reached over and slammed the computer shut to put the stupid thing to sleep. _'This is so mortifying!'_

 _Sploosh. Squish._

" _Yes! Fuck me harder! Give me your sticky alien baby milk!"_

Lucy squeaked in alarm as the sounds from the video continued playing through her speakers. Detangling herself from the headphone cord, she flipped the laptop open again and typed in her password as quickly as possible.

Incorrect.

She typed again, a little slower, but with trembling fingers.

Incorrect.

Cobra blinked as Lucy whimpered, reaching forward and stopping her quivering hands. Slowly, he typed in her password - he still didn't understand what made her think _twinkle-twinkle_ was a secure password - then hit enter and closed the godforsaken site down. Only to find another page open.

 _Gajeel's head was tipped back, his lip curled in a snarl as Pantherlily in his Battle Form speared into him from below. A large black paw was wrapped around the Iron Slayer's overly large cock lined with piercings._

"What the fuck?" Gajeel growled, his laughter dying down in an instant while he stormed further into the apartment. Disgust coiled in his stomach and he dropped to his knees, his head in his hands. "Fuckin' fanart… Why…?"

Cobra closed the tab, then gagged.

 _Jellal knelt on the grass, his tongue dragging over Midnight's throbbing, veined length as cum spattered across his tattooed face._

Midnight choked and collapsed just inside the door.

Lucy closed the tab, her cheeks flaming when she realized that her chat with Cana and Angel was still open.

 _KeysAndStars: Wait, Jellal died?!_

 _Swan_Booty: you said Cobra was gonna kill him_ =P

 _Bikini-Baby: No, **I** __said Cobra was gonna kill him LOL_

 _KeysAndStars: LMFAO!_

 _Swan_Booty: oh hahahaha_

 _Bikini-Baby: And Erza really is gonna die first_

 _Swan_Booty: LMFAO… OMG whoops sorry!_

 _Bikini-Baby: YAY! I won't have to kill her first... Cobra will in Lucy's fic_

 _Swan_Booty: Sorry I don't mean to laugh my ass off at your reaction… but I totally am lol_

 _KeysAndStars: LMFAO! Dick._

 _Swan_Booty: wad… you forgot the wad_

 _KeysAndStars: I still love you._

 _Bikini-Baby: Lucy has a nice dick_

 _Swan_Booty: *hands over the wad*_

 _KeysAndStars: -suckles your wad- O.o_

 _Swan_Booty: I always wanted my wad suckled_

 _Bikini-Baby: LMAO! I was going to put -licks the wad- Angel's wad is getting all the love tonight apparently… Lucy's dick and Angel's wad_

 _KeysAndStars: -pulls out a wobbuffett-_

 _Bikini-Baby: I hope the Council is reading our conversations_

 _KeysAndStars: LMFAO_

 _Swan_Booty: hahahahahhahah… Probably the most interesting things they've ever seen *waves*_

 _Bikini-Baby: Exactly... they won't know what to make of it_

 _Swan_Booty: See my wad?_

 _KeysAndStars: *picture of Lickatongue eating his trainer*_

 _Bikini-Baby: LMFAO!_

 _KeysAndStars: Omg the timing._

 _Swan_Booty: OMG wtf is that? my wad!_

 _KeysAndStars: LICKATONGUE!_

 _Swan_Booty: LMFAO_

 _Bikini-Baby: That was brilliant_

 _KeysAndStars: So anyway… Lucy's naked. Midnight has a nosebleed…_

Cobra blinked slowly, smacking her hand away to scroll down a little further. Never in the time they'd been together had he questioned just what Lucy talked about with the girls while she was online. They were good friends - he was still extremely thankful that she was so close with Angel, even though they hardly got to see each other - and she was nearly always smiling while chatting with them. But this? He'd never expected this...

 _Swan_Booty: also, I loved the moist thought lol_

 _Bikini-Baby: LMAO! I had to... I know so many people that get creeped out by that word. I don't get it, personally_

 _Swan_Booty: me either lol_

 _KeysAndStars: I love that word._

 _Bikini-Baby: Me too_

 _KeysAndStars: Because it's so awkward to say when you mention it in regards to your vagina... during an otherwise normal conversation._

 _Swan_Booty: it's a word that makes you envision all sorts of interesting things hehehe_

 _KeysAndStars: "I had some great french toast for breakfast." Then… "Fuck, that shit makes me so goddamn MOIST!"_

 _Bikini-Baby: LMFAO_

 _Swan_Booty: there is that… because French Toast should always be loved like that… it should always get the Cobra treatment_

 _Bikini-Baby: A lot of things should get the Cobra treatment O.O_

 _KeysAndStars: I love you guys…_

Lucy reached forward and closed all of her windows, then slammed the laptop shut and tossed it on the couch.

"Bright Eyes," Cobra whispered.

"Don't say it…"

"No, I know you and the girls are batshit fucking crazy," he sighed. "But, um…"

"Why are they always making me and Lily fuck?" Gajeel whimpered. "We're just friends. And not even the same goddamn species! I'm not a fuckin' furry…"

"... What?" Lucy was completely ignoring the fact that Gajeel was in tears by that point.

"Why the fuck are you taking notes on tentacle porn?"

She gulped, giving him a sheepish smile. "Um… Fanfiction…?"

Cobra shook his head, staring sightlessly down at the pad of paper Lucy had been writing on. "Fanfiction," he said.

"Yeah."

"Fanfiction about… About the guild."

"Well, yeah," she winced.

"Fanfiction about the guild we're a part of, involving people who are your friends, and involving you…"

"You're in it, too," she pouted. "I super ship us together, even though everyone says we're a crack ship."

"Where the fuck do tentacles… I… I can't even…"

"Coby?"

He stood up and stared at the ground. "I'm gonna just… go and shoot myself in the face…"

"I don't even get a kiss?"

"Gimme a few minutes," he whispered shakily. "I've got some shit to assimilate."

"At least you didn't see the bestiality!" Lucy called after him. "That was the first site Gajeel gave me…"

He paused in his trek toward their shared bedroom, gulping audibly. "You didn't…"

"No, I didn't take notes… But, I'll never look at a horse the same way again…" Really, Lucy couldn't close _that_ window fast enough. It was the stuff of nightmares.

"I fucking hate you…"

"Hey, it could've been futanari!" Lucy shot back while watching the Poison Slayer wobble away on unsteady legs. "Chicks with dicks, Coby! So many dicks!"

"She's never using the internet again," Cobra muttered to himself. He made his way to the bathroom and hopped into the shower with the water still freezing. Maybe it would get rid of the sickening churning in his stomach from what he'd just found out about the woman he was going to marry.

Or maybe he would just gouge out his other eye so he'd never see anything again…

That was sounding more and more appealing by the second.

* * *

 **The conversations between Lucy, Angel, and Cana were copied from a couple Triplet Skype conversations. That's the kind of insanity that happens when we talk… The first conversation was actually when I was talking about what I was planning for 2016's _Who Says Fairy Tales Are Normal_ prompt. Hence Lucy being naked and Midnight having a nosebleed. And the second is from a conversation concerning chapter 10 of **_**LittlePrincessNana's**_ **Laxco fic,** _ **Soulful Fugue**_ **. If you haven't read that, I highly recommend it.**

 **I hope you guys enjoyed it. Like I said, some weird humor for you. Short, sweet (lol), and a tad creepy. And yes… Lucy writes fanfics about her own guild lol.**


	3. 2017 - Sappily Ever After

**A/N: This was inspired by something that happened to me the night I wrote it. Obviously this is part of the same series from 2015 and 2016. This could probably have been uploaded in the CoLu Week 2017 series, but I'd rather just have the ones that are part of certain series' all grouped together. Sorry if it's confusing.**

 **Because I probably won't be online in an hour when it hits midnight for me, I'm posting this early!**

* * *

 _ **2017 - Invitation**_

 _ **Sappily Ever After**_

* * *

Cobra set down the his laptop and looked around the empty living room while removing the headphones he'd been wearing. The game that Gajeel and Midnight had roped him into wasn't all that bad, but it was one hell of a time-suck. Thankfully, Lucy understood that, and she gave him time to just decompress and play the thing once or twice a week for an entire day.

Even when their four-year-old son was running around like a little fucking demon, wearing just his underwear - because he was a "big boy" now who could use a toilet - and screaming about one thing or another, Lucy took it all in stride and just kept going. Sure, sometimes she lost her shit. Cobra was not ashamed to admit that she was actually pretty fucking scary when her angry _mom voice_ came out, and she started taking away toys from both himself and their son. But for the most part she kept it together.

Bo had survived the last four years, so obviously they were doing something right.

Except, the last he'd known, they were in the kitchen cleaning up from dinner and dessert. Or maybe they'd been making dessert. Ever since getting Bo that kid-sized kitchen utensil kit, he'd been adamant about helping Lucy make everything. He wanted to cook and bake and clean, and Cobra was definitely _not_ going to get in the middle of that bonding time between them. He was more than fine with instilling some solid work ethic in the little monster, just so he wouldn't grow up to be a total fucking slob.

But it was quiet. Too quiet for them to still be in the kitchen. He couldn't hear the happy trills in their souls from having sweets either, so they weren't sneaking cupcakes without him. That was actually a game Lucy liked to try to play, seeing how long they could go without Cobra hearing their souls and finding them hoarding all the snacks in the house. The record was two minutes.

He stretched and stood from the couch, then frowned as he loosed the control he kept over his Soul Listening magic. Based on the clock beneath their lacrima television, Bo should have been in bed. But when he listened in, he could hear them in the bathroom.

From the giggling, he assumed it had to be a bubble bath night.

Cobra couldn't stop the small smile from lifting his lips while walking down the hall. Lucy was better at giving Bo baths than him, that was for sure. Mostly because Cobra just brought him into the shower and they bathed at the same time. It was easier that way, and Bo especially loved being able to slide all over the shower floor when they put soap on it. The day he started asking some creepy questions about Cobra's dick, however, would mark the end of their showers together.

He paused in the hall and looked up at the wall lined with family pictures. It still baffled the Poison Slayer that _this_ was his life. He'd somehow managed to wrangle a woman who loved him and gave some of the best head massages to get rid of his tension headaches. He had a precious fucking heathen of a child who was more like him than the world was ready for. Hell, he'd even gotten a little house with a white picket fence (entirely Lucy's choice). He wasn't going to question the universe deciding that a mass murderer should get a slice of the good life. Not at all.

His gaze fell on the picture of Bo's first birthday. The little lavender-eyed baby boy was in the process of shoving his icing covered hand down Lucy's shirt, going right for the nipple while Lucy's face turned bright red and Cobra cackled in the background. He's joked that day that Bo was just trying to get some milk with his cake, even though she'd stopped breastfeeding at four months. Luckily, Lucy had thought the joke was funny.

Another from that same day, where Bo had fed both of his parents handfuls of his snake themed smash cake, smearing the icing all over their cheeks and noses. Cobra and Lucy were both grinning so fucking wide in that one, regardless of the mess they'd had to clean up later.

Further down was a picture of Cobra lying on the couch with Bo, both of them shirtless, just cuddling up a storm while snot dribbled from the baby's nose. He hated when Bo got sick, but the cuddles... Fuck, were those wonderful. Even if his kid was burning up, those sniffly snuggles - as he secretly liked to call them - were like pieces of heaven.

" _I'm the mean Crocodil-osaur!"_

" _No, Mommy. That's the nice dinosaur."_

" _Oh. I'm the nice dinosaur! Let me give you kisses, Bo!"_

" _The Crocodile Dinosaur has suckshie cups on his feet. He can walk on walls."_

Cobra chuckled at the sudden sound of splashing and giggling coming from the two most important people in his life just down the hall. They could wait another minute. He just wanted to look at some pictures.

" _Mommy, I put bubbles on your boobies!"_

Well, maybe it couldn't wait. Cobra turned and made his way to the bathroom door that was left slightly ajar. He just couldn't stop himself from smiling. Being able to hear Bo's soul was, more often than not, his reason for trudging through even the shittiest of days. Those long weeks out on missions with Gajeel and Midnight were always made just a little easier when he got a call on the lacrima before bed, and when he stretched his magic out to catch the gentle song in his wife and son's souls to go with the calls, it was even better.

He pushed open the door, more than ready to find Lucy kneeling on the stool Bo used when he was brushing his teeth, with her shirt soaked and covered in bubbles. Just like it was almost every night.

She turned and smiled at him, but his own faded when he saw her. Because instead of kneeling _beside_ the bathtub, his wife was _in it._ With Bo. With her tits just hanging out and a hand between her legs - most likely because she was completely naked and trying to keep their son's feet away from her snatch.

"Daddy, I put bubbles on Mommy's boobies!" Bo cheered. His little tan face grew serious as he lifted a plastic dinosaur from the bubbles. "I'm gonna eat them," he growled, with the toy bobbing closer to Lucy's chest.

She feigned a terrified scream and covered her chest, bringing the smaller dinosaur she was holding up from the water to block Bo's advancing one. "You can't bite Mommy, Mean Dinosaur," she said in her usual sing-song toy voice. "I'm gonna kiss you and make you smile!"

"No, I'll bite your butt!"

"No! Don't bite my butt!" Lucy squeaked.

Cobra blinked slowly while watching his wife and son play in their bubble bath. He normally didn't have a problem with her being naked. Strike that, he _never_ had a problem with Lucy shedding her clothes. Added baby weight that she just couldn't get rid of and all, he loved every inch of her. Except, this was really just _not_ what he'd been expecting to find. "Um…"

She glanced at him, and he was sure she was smirking at finding his gaze settled solely on her chest. Could she really blame him, though? Wet, delicious fucking tits all covered in bubbles, swaying so fucking perfectly while she played with their son. It wasn't the first time he'd gotten a boner with Bo around - parenting left them with few moments of privacy - but it _was_ the first time this had happened while he was looking at the two of them in the bath.

"I got the puppy eyes," Lucy said, handing the little dinosaur to Bo and pushing the bubbles out from behind her. "He wanted me to come in and play."

"And that meant getting naked?"

Lucy shrugged. "I couldn't find my _bath_ bathing suit."

Ah, yes. Her old black string bikini bathing suit she refused to wear anywhere because, according to Lucy, _everyone would see her cookies_ if she wore it outside. So she'd resigned to using it only at home, for the times that Bo wanted a bath with her. That way their son wouldn't get an eye full of his mother's _cookies_. He was getting to the age where he was starting to notice that the things between his legs were different from hers. Which meant that Lucy covered herself to try and keep the questions to a minimum. For all their sakes.

The fact that Bo randomly asked women in the guild if they had _boy pee-pees_ or _Mommy pee-pees_ was bad enough.

"What about a sports bra?"

"He was already in here," she said. Lucy grabbed a handful of bubbles and dropped it onto Bo's pale blond hair, making a wonky little fucking cone. "It was bad enough that I left him for a minute to go look for the bathing suit."

Cobra nodded slowly. If Bo hadn't already learned how to swim, he knew that she wouldn't have left him alone in the bath for even a second. One bonus of being in the guild was that Juvia was a wicked fucking swim instructor for the little ones.

He was just going to have to chalk this up to another one of Lucy's weird moments. Or maybe she was finally figuring out ways to freak him the fuck out by surprising him. First it was when Gemini had spilled their secret crushes for one another in front of the whole damn guild, and then Lucy had covered Happy in spit, and only a few minutes later she was on her knees in an alley, her head pinned to a wall with his cock thrusting between her lips. Then there was that whole tentacle porn thing with her fanfiction writing when she was pregnant, with Gajeel crying on the floor over fanart of him and Lily in some weird bestiality shit. And now this.

Perfectly innocent, tits out, covered in bubbles.

Fuck, he wanted her laid out on her back right then.

He nodded again when she frowned at him, already hearing her wondering why he was just standing there like someone was in the process of slowly stretching his asshole wide enough to get fucked by a donkey. "I'm gonna just… go use the other bathroom."

"Why?" Lucy asked.

"Reasons." Cobra turned and walked out the door, then paused before closing it. He looked back at Lucy, at the way she looked with bubbles cascading down the gentle slope of her chest. He needed a photographic memory. Badly.

With a sly grin, she glanced at Bo then back to Cobra. "I was thinking of taking a Mommy bath."

Cobra's back went rigid. His eye snapped back to lock with her darkened honey eyes. "You mean…" Was it his fucking birthday? Father's Day, maybe? When the hell had he done something good that he could use to his advantage?! Shit, maybe it was because he'd done the laundry. For some reason, she always crawled all over him for doing chores. Well, apparently Lucy thought it was actually sexy to see him ironing jeans and carefully folding them so everything fit in its drawer.

"Yep," Lucy giggled. "You can definitely help me out."

His cock twitched in his pants at the prospect of fucking her in their master bathtub. Sweet fucking baby Jesus, did that sound wonderful. "Shit," he rasped. It wasn't like he was starved for attention or anything, just that he really _really_ wanted to fuck his wife. And if they were in the bathroom, he'd get to put his hand over her mouth from behind to make sure Bo wouldn't wake up from her screaming. Fuck, he loved doing that.

"It's gonna be - AH! Bo, don't touch Mommy's pee-pee!"

Cobra hit his head against the door jamb and let out a helpless chuckle while Bo kept trying to touch between Lucy's legs. The boy just didn't realize it was inappropriate, and Lucy's screaming and flailing, and the bubbles she sent flying everywhere while trying to stop his grabby little hands, was only making the four-year-old think it was a game.

"Oh my god! Back, Oedipus!"

Cobra walked out of the bathroom and back to the living room while Lucy put her foot on Bo's face to keep him away from her. She could handle that shit. No way in hell was he going to get between Bo and his Mommy. Creepy little shit. Still, he loved them. And he loved hearing Bo's laughter, Lucy's screams (though she was also cracking up and just failing at keeping her Mom face on, he knew), and bubbly water splashing all over the bathroom floor.

"No, you heathen! Oh god! No touching Mommy's pee-pee!"

"You're a heathen!" Bo shouted, the smile evident in his voice.

"Stop being so smart!"

It would be a couple hours before he could get Lucy in their own bathtub. They still needed to get Bo tucked in, read to, sung to, and kissed goodnight. Then they had to wait for him to fall asleep completely and be knocked the hell out for at least thirty minutes. _Then_ Cobra could fuck his wife senseless.

God, he couldn't wait.

 _ **.The End.**_

* * *

 **For those interested… Yes, Bo's full name is Bo Allen Heartfilia. Cobra was able to trick her into naming their son Bo A. Heartfilia... Boa... She was totally not paying attention... And I couldn't help but use this when it came to mind.**

 **There will most likely be no further updates for this story.**


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